May 26th, 2020. One year ago. My twenty-first birthday. Who was I then? Twenty-one is typically a huge birthday as you know. The big turn into adulthood. It didn’t feel that way for me.

Going into this year I was unable to celebrate anywhere close to the level a typical 21st birthday would be at. Not that it mattered much, I wasn’t feeling all that celebratory anyway. How I was feeling was deflated, unmotivated, depressed, without hope, not confident, alone, and lost.

I had recently graduated college. Had to move away from where I felt my community was in Arizona to head back home to Seattle because of COVID. Graduating a year earlier than the majority of my people, left me feeling even more isolated and alone. 

I began waiting for the next thing to take my mind off of this time. To distract me. I wanted a job, a community, something to look forward to, but instead I was left in this place of defeat. I began to draw all day to feel like I was doing something productive, or even get some quick complements to help me feel seen and valued. I would watch Netflix show after Netflix show to at least live through these characters lives. 

I had always been super stand firm in not getting drunk. Because I believe losing control of your mind is something that would not allow for you to represent God well, and could lead to bad things in all sorts of different ways. During this time I even allowed for myself to loosen my beliefs for myself in this. Getting drunk a couple of times, as if this would offer some sort of life. When it for sure does the opposite. I was at a low. Losing my identity. Losing my passion for life. Losing hope for what could be next.

I want to put in there as I reflect on this last year that there was some very life giving experiences even in this pit I was in. Including being the best man of my cousin Tyler’s wedding. Going on a road trip with my childhood boys to Utah. Getting quality family time in during quarantine. Playing some ball at the park to please my competitive side. Ultimately these things will not cure my loss of identity and purpose. 

When late August rolled around I finally had enough. There is this weird phenomenon where depression can actually be a comfortable place you don’t want to leave. I was finally ready. I luckily already knew where to find my true identity and what to build as my foundation. Of course this being God. It’s not that I turned completely from God, but rather stopped fully pursuing and trusting Him.

I asked God, instead of changing my circumstances, to change my heart in those circumstances. I begin trusting Him with what will come next. As you know the story goes I come across the World Race, and the whole committing in a week story. Without really any plan to do it God told me to get uncomfortable and trust Him.

September to December will always be this awkward in between time of finally having an answer and waiting for it to happen. It was a fruitful season filled with worship music, podcasts, and prayer during my alone time driving for Amazon. This season really highlighted how to make my life meaningful. How nothing done under the sun matters except for what you do for God. Everything else in life; money, fame, success, good times, bad times, etc. is all a vapor and will be forgotten. But a persons salvation is eternal. God is eternal.

Finally January rolls around and it’s time to leave. I left with joy, excitement and passion back. However, I still went in ashamed of sin, afraid to be vulnerable, not confident, and a bit scared. 

My time in Jaco quickly healed a lot of these things. A lot of time was spent being freed of past sins or identities and to learn to walk in that freedom Christ died for. I was placed in an environment and culture where it was okay and appreciated to be vulnerable and then accepted in that vulnerability. I gained a bit more understanding of what I have to bring to the table. A constant thing I have learned throughout life is that life is not as scary as it seems and that includes traveling with 40+ strangers spreading the love of God as well.

In Guatemala I was somebody far more firm in my identity in the Lord. My time in Guatemala placed a lot of dreams and passions in my mind and heart for the future. I also saw an amazing example of what a quality community looks like.

These past few weeks has been a sweet time of diving into intentional conversations, getting to know people more, learning more about specific topics, and doing a lot of reading.

Where I am now compared to where I was a year ago is night and day. All thanks to God for what He has done in just a year. He has transformed and renewed my heart.

This all doesn’t mean hard things don’t come. That depression doesn’t try to creep in, but means I know that those chains are broken and God has freed me from that. I can combat those things and walk in freedom. 

With God by my side I am ready for whatever twenty-two has for me. 

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My Twenty-Second birthday was as good as one could hope for when on the top of a mountain digging holes. 

The day started with the Honduran women and a few of my squad mates making pancakes and throwing some chocolate chips on top, plus a couple of candles to bring to me while singing, first in English, next in Spanish, with some Justin Bieber in the middle... long story.

Then it was time to dig some holes for posts for the church for a few hours. During lunch I played some chess with one of the Honduran girls, then went back to work for a few more hours. 

After work, which was earlier than normal around four, me and the rest of the guys hiked down the big hill leading to our site to get to this dusty soccer field to play some ultimate frisbee for awhile. You know I need something competitive to do on my birthday.

When I got back the squad started having a dance party for a little while. Then the night ended by me and five of my people watching Creed. 

So was a pretty solid day all things considered. Several of my squad mates made sure to give me Oreos, hugs, notes, and do their best to make me feel seen. 

So that’s how I celebrated my 22nd bday in one of the last places I would have expected to.

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God you are so faithful to me. To you I forever lift up my praises. I don’t always no where you are taking me. Yet you have always guided my steps.

I have felt depressed. I have felt lost. I have felt alone. You have been with me in my valleys and my mountains.

You have redeemed darkness and turned it to light. When I have turned from your face you waited for me. When I seek you, you open your arms to hold me.

When I am unsure who I am. You remind me I am yours. 

You replace anger, pride, lust, depression, lies, and bondage with patience, wisdom, joy, confidence, truth, and freedom. You make me new.

Who I am today is far from who I am a year ago. You have continued to change my life.

Although I will never be enough. You created me. You’ve accepted me. You love me. And I love you. 

With whatever comes next Father never leave my side and keep guiding my steps.

Amen.