My verse for 2021 is Romans 12:12… Rejoice in HOPE, Be patient in tribulation, and be constant in prayer. I thought I had a good idea what this verse would mean for me this year going into the World Race. I figured I would have tough days with ministry, with teammates, or many other ways. Surely this will happen, but I don’t know if my verse for the year is for that purpose. At least not yet.

The tribulation I have already been working through in the first 3 weeks of being gone has been different, so different it is spiritual rather than worldly. Being around numerous people who have been baptized in the spirit and appear so very connected to God places me in a weird spot. We have been learning so much about spiritual warfare, spiritual gifts, and spiritual relationships. I feel behind in a lot of ways, I grew up not necessarily digging too deep into those topics.

I look around and see how much of my squad can relate to God on a totally different level than me. When we worship as a squad everybody is just feeling the holy spirit and talking about how amazing our squad worships and everything. Meanwhile I am sitting there waiting for God to show up for me. Some nights when I was away from the group during worship, I would really fight with God showing my frustration to Him about not feeling His presence. Especially when one of the songs of God’s faithfulness comes on I at times have trouble singing that, because it at times feels I have been more faithful to Him than He has to me.

Being in this community has been super helpful in dealing with things like this. I am in a team where I can express this frustration comfortably. When intimacy with the Lord got brought up, I very much made known my frustration from even hearing that word. I have been in a place where I am not even sure what it means to be intimate with the Lord. They have been super encouraging and helpful during this time.

So, all of that has been the tribulation I have so far been dealing with. I have come to a few different mindsets that have helped me be patient in this tribulation:

1. Going back to my verse of the year. Rejoicing in HOPE. I already know that Jesus has conquered death. One day I will be face to face with Him forever. So even if I go my entire life not feeling much of God’s presence, I know that I will one day experience Him in full. I can rejoice in knowing this. When I focus on this worship for me changes.
2. Looking for God in new ways. God relates to us all on a personal level. This means that He is not going to interact with each and every person the exact same way. So, I have been looking for ways that I can see God whether that is in nature, in people, in moments, etc.
   1. This has helped a lot. One specific worship session as I looked around at my squad everybody’s faces seemed to be glowing. The holy spirit was shining through them for sure.
   2. Being out in nature is a very easy way for me to see God. The best example for right now is taking the time to sit alone on the beach staring over the water as the sun goes down. What a God moment that is.
3. God has me in this moment for a reason. I do not know God’s ultimate plan. Time and time again however He has shown me why He did certain things in my life. So, I can be patient through this season knowing God will bring His presence or provide spiritual gifts, dreams, etc. in His timing.

During Devotional this week our mentor Richard asked if anybody would want to come up to be prayed over for the baptism of the Holy Spirit. I jumped up there along with probably over ten others from my squad. I did not feel anything at the time, and still don’t think I have been baptized. However, my leader Mack later said that she felt her hand shaking when she was praying over me. The next day we had a one on one in the AM and she mentioned that in some of the things that I pray she can at times see that the Holy Spirit already works through me whether I realize it yet or not.

Since that morning I have been able to witness the Holy Spirit working through me in a few different ways.

1. During an exercise during our devotional we prayed over somebody we weren’t super familiar with, and basically gave feedback on each other’s prayers whether they were encouraging, motivating, or if we read their mail. And Catherine, who I prayed over, said yeah, I read her mail a little bit in what I was praying over her. Part of me was like cool, lucky on my part, but another part of me was very curious about the work of the Holy Spirit in that.
2. On the way back from that exercise to my seat I was passing my teammate Rachel while going up the stairs and gave her two pats on the back. Right when I did it, I was kind of like why did I do that. It felt almost weird, and probably made her uncomfortable. Later that night when we were going through feedback during our team time, she mentioned that she had a chaotic morning and that pat on the back was just what she needed in that moment without knowing it. I was blown away now. I am like okay God I see you.
3. The other night I had a dream that I woke up fully remembering which hardly happens for me right now. I normally forget as soon as I wake up. Because of the past couple weeks in talking a lot about spiritual gifting's, warfare, prayers, relationships, etc. I have been a little more on the lookout for what I am noticing and was waiting on a dream to interpret between coming from God, the enemy, or myself. With this dream having God in it I figured God placed this dream in my life for a reason. I started to pray and think over this dream and decide to message my friend about it who the dream was of. This message was probably way too long but seemed very timely. They mentioned how crazy the timing was and how thankful they were for that message. It became very clear that the Holy Spirit spoke to me through my dreams to make that moment happen.

So, in what has been a time of frustration in figuring out how to see and feel God’s presence He has started showing up. So, friends be real with God. Want more of Him and ask Him for more of Him. Then start looking for Him in different ways. He is present. He loves you.

If you want to pray that God will continue to show me more and more of Himself that would be greatly appreciated.

Much Love!